In the era of online dating, the skill that goes into crafting a personal ad is dying out. Thanks to the practice of charging per word, the best personal ads are the shortest possible representation of who you are and who your ideal partner would be. We asked single (and looking) people we know to write their own personal ads. Like the personal ads of yore, they’re completely anonymous, and you cannot swipe or message any of these people directly. If you want, you can try to email us with a message to forward along to them, but there’s no guarantee of a response.
Men Seeking Women
#001
Man looking for Jewish woman. Acerbic wit and impeccable sense of humor. Career aspirations. Low maintenance but also ride or die. Would make a good mother. Tolerates my ridiculous family.
#002
Short-tempered Italian boy seeks woman. Likes one night stands, but also snuggling. Must enjoy two of the following three things to earn respect: Star Wars, lobster rolls, weight training. Still sleeps with a blankey.
Women Seeking Men
#003
Sarcastic white female in mid-20s seeking a "yes, and..." personality type to digress with me. Please be male, in my age range, happy, and low-key nerdy. Bonus points if you actually like your family.
#004
Ridiculously photogenic woman seeking male selfie partner. Has an appetite for food, adventure, and the arts. TV show interests range from Spongebob to Jeopardy. Doesn't take himself too seriously but still ambitious. Moves on the dance floor is a plus. 420 is a requirement.
#005
My mom is worried I'll end up alone forever, I don't care that much but I do hate it when she's right. I only exist online.
#006
Woman seeking man for low-key relationship. Searching for a take-charge kind of man who's sensitive enough to recycle. Has a good sense of humor. Smokes weed, but never forgets the keys. Will make a good dog father. Preferably currently employed. Reads on a moderate basis. Instagrammable. Self-proclaimed foodies are strongly encouraged to apply.
#007
Woman seeking man who never keeps a scorecard, doesn't try to one up me or change me. Someone who is respectful to their restaurant servers and their parents. I want to be able to lay next to you and read a book and feel at home. You need a good heart, a good sense of humor, and MUST love animals and never try to stop me from eating raw cookie dough.
#008
I’m a 23 year old woman in Brooklyn, New York looking to befriend a kindhearted man with family values who also starred in and produced the life-changing action-adventure morality tale that is the Fast and Furious franchise. My ideal candidate has big, strong arms, a rebellious spirit, the courage to stand up for those he loves, and an extensive history voicing and portraying the character Riddick in the sci-fi action franchise The Chronicles of Riddick. It's really important to me that you're good with kids. Bonus points if you’ve got a penchant for soft, touching karaoke renditions of Rihanna’s “Stay.”
Men Seeking Men
#009
Slightly chubby Jewish male in his mid-20s who is terrified of being single seeks other Jewish male for a relationship based on passive-aggressive guilt and food. Looking for somebody who is educated, snarky, and can “take a joke.” Must be able to watch all six hours of Angels in America. Must love Meryl. If you don’t love Meryl, then keep your mouth shut for the sake of the kids.
Hobbies include: watching television, harassing straight men, theater, going to museums, getting Instagram likes
Pet peeves include: men who ghost me after bottoming for them “because we love each other,” people who don’t know how to throw birthday parties in NYC, roommates who steal each other’s organic salt
Can be reached via Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Periscope, Vine, Tumblr, Vimeo, Venmo, Klout, Tinder, JSwipe, JCrush, The League, Bumble, Grindr, Scruff, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Words with Friends.