Dear Edie Falco,
Hello Edie. How are you? I am fine and I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing because I was wondering if you would like to be friends. I know it sounds weird writing to someone to ask if they want to be friends, but I think we could make an exception. You have really nice hair. I like your nails, too. I know that your nails are not Carmela Soprano’s nails and that you are more down-to-earth than Carm, but I bet either way they look great. I used to bite my nails but then after I watched The Sopranos I decided to break that habit so we could have something to talk about if we ever ran into each other.
I once dated a guy who said that he worked at the same gym you went to. I was afraid to break up with him because I didn’t want him to talk badly about me to you. At some point we mutually ended it by him no longer answering my texts, but I wanted to let you know if he said anything bad about me it’s not true. Except that I made him watch Full House with me. That part is true. But we all make mistakes and in being in a relationship we accept the other person’s quirks if we love them enough. That is something I learned from The Sopranos. At some point Carmela had to accept her fate with Tony when all of the lawyers in Jersey were too chicken shit to represent her in a divorce because Tony was the head of the mafia. She said at one point that she was not sure if she fell in love with Tony because of or in spite of his being in the mob. That’s deep, yo. Sometimes I like to pretend I’m Carmela. I think she might be my spirit animal. I’m sure I could be a really good mob wife if given the chance. I don’t think any mobsters would want me, though. I don’t think I’m hot enough, and although I’m pretty good at keeping secrets, sometimes things slip. One time I accidentally revealed to my cousin that Santa wasn’t real. She was 12 so I thought that she knew already, but still – the secret got out and could never be taken back.
Sometimes I’ll wear a leather jacket and sunglasses and lots of bling, and I’ll just be on the subway and hoping that people are thinking “Wow, what a badass she is. I bet she’s a mob wife. She reminds me of Carmela Soprano.” But that’s where I’ve got to stop them. Carmela would never take the subway. She would take cabs or, probably more realistically, have a chauffeur take her and Rosalie Aprile around the city.
I apologize that this letter has derailed, as that was not my intention. I recently watched Horace and Pete with an old buddy of mine named Alex Horn (he is my Rosalie LOL) and I was blown away. Louis CK is great, isn’t he? And Steve Buscemi? Alan Alda, Jessica Lange, sheesh, they’re all fantastic. The writing and directing and acting on the show was all superb, and I wanted to congratulate you on a job well done for your role as Sylvia (and as their mom in the 1976 scene in the finale). What a bitch Sylvia was! She was very scary. I’d say scarier than Carm, actually. And that part in the 1976 scene where the mom finally runs away but leaves Pete. Man, that fucked me up. That was sad, especially because Pete thought until he was 52 that Marianne was really his mother! :( Sucks about the abuse and hardship, and I know he wasn’t technically her kid and he had signs of mental issues, but still, I think she should have taken lil Pete during her escape. But that is what makes great art, when it makes you really sad even until the next day, and when you keep thinking about it. Like the first time I watched Clue, and you find out at the end that in fact all of them murdered someone in the mansion (with the exception of Mr. Green, who was pretending to be gay but was actually working for the feds). That messed me up because I wasn’t expecting it. That’s not how the board game ends! I couldn’t stop thinking about that. Some people in Hollywood are so creative, they know just what heartstrings to tug at.
What’s your favorite food? Do you like pizza?
Anyway, I will wrap this up as I am sure you are very busy. I hope to hear from you soon, maybe we can grab an ice cream cone at Coney Island and chat about life on the boardwalk!
Sincerely,
Rachel Petzinger
Your Biggest Fan
Rachel Petzinger is a comedian. You can follow her on Twitter @chelpetz.
More work by Rachel Petzinger: